Better left unsaid

Today... unlike most days
The truth did not set me free.
Instead it put me into a box.
A small, tight and congested box.

In this box I cannot move.
I do not try.
My words put me in it
My mind nailed it shut with my words
and my regret won't let me out

I believe in sayin what you mean and meaning what you say.
But that should not always be the case.
And my little box, is my proof.

If only life was like a blank tape in a VCR
You can press stop or pause anytime you want
Most importantly you can rewind and rerecord
If my life was a VCR...
I fast forward to gain the lessons
and then rewind and record over the mistakes...

My honesty has gotten the best of me..
Though its not me I am so worried about...
I know what i've done and maybe not why I've done it
But i accept the things I cannot change..
Or I did..
Until today.

I truly don't know how to mend
the mess my words have gotten me into
I am not sure I will break free from this box
I want too, does that count?

How does a person release themselves from there past
Whether it be certain memories or people...
For every goodbye I've said... I've never let go of the past
It does not mean I want that past in my present
But I've always managed to hold a piece..
I am forever damaged and scarred
Like an antique I always view it to be character...

Tonight I found it to be imperfection
and not the beautiful kind.

I am who I am...I've done what I've done
I face that fact everyday
The real question is..
Who else will?

Who else wants damaged and scarred goods?
This writing should feel like freedom
It doesn't.. it's made the box smaller and tighter
As the walls close in..
I fear I may have lost my only potential hero.

Words have weight.
They are the nails holding down the lid to my box that they built
Will I ever be free?

No matter what tomorrow brings...
It's been said..
Whether it should or shouldn't have..
Is irrelevant, and thats unfortunate.

Around my head spins and the box gets tighter.
I know its closing in..
I am terrified.

To be or not to be..

I hear it all the time...
From every direction
Just Be.

Old friends, new friends they all say the same thing
Howcome you cant just be?
I am no drama queen
I do not thrive on creating a scene
So why is it when I can't just be
I hit self destruct
Pathetic

I try but do not succeed
How else am I supposed to act?
I am captain of the positivity team
But
That's irrelvant because I don't feel like its helping
Patience is a virtue and it is a virtue to have patience.

The SD button I so often push as of late...
Has gotta self destruct itself
It must be removed from my options menu

Ahh to just be...
I know how it feels, I've been there
It's calming and serene
In order to just be... I truly believe one must be happy
Or they can't simple just be.

Sometimes a girls mind works far to hard for far to little.
No pain, No gain - However, No BS either
or SD for that matter

I will just be... I just need to find the time when I can allow myself to do so.

...this is not a love song

I figured the next time i wrote on here... would be from utter happiness
instead...its due to confusion
Choices choices choices
are we defined by the choices we make
that saying about one door closes another opens...
fact is... you gotta be the one to close it
There are no doors at half mass...
Thats like attempting to have the cake and eat it too
I do not fear my new path... the one with no way back...
Im scared to leave my original path...the one with the bread trail
Fear is a state of mind...
Fear is a state of mind...
I tell myself that but everytime i lose sight of a bread crumb
my stomach goes weak... my heart breaks a little...
I had my doubts.. and i trusted them always
regardless of the reassurance...
now into uncharted waters i abandon my life jacket
sounds funny because it sounds like safety net... but its not..
its safe, and trusted, known and familiar...
Change is good...
Change is good...
I love the butterflies and innocense of it all
I want the reality and familiarity to set it
I seek comfort in my decisions...
But i am not to be defined ...
I want my bucket lists, not the what ifs
I want to be the only girl, not the other girl
I want to be me with him and not you
but its hard to let it go...
Your the one I've always known...
Like you said it will never be like you and me
and you're rigght
It will be better
it won't be better because im angry or hurt
it will be better because its honest and has been since day one
it's been so long since we last had that connection
but at the thought of goodbye... no more i'll be there...
well its scary.
To close an 8 year story, chapter...saga if you will..
is scary...
Then again,
Like you said... stop hiding behind my fears.